Grandmother’s Piano
"It always seems impossible until it’s done." — Nelson Mandela
When Maya opened the old wooden gate, she immediately sensed that something unusul [k5: spelling] unusual had happened.
The garden looked too perfect. Someone had watered the roses and pulled the weeds.
Maya had come to collect her grandmother’s things. She walked to the ceramic gnome and lifted the rug. No key. It was strange. Grandma always left it there.
Maya tried to open the door anyway and it opened. [k3: tautology/repetition] Maya tried the door anyway, and it was unlocked. / Maya tested the handle anyway, and the door yielded immediately.
Everything was too clean. The dishes were washed, the floor swept. [k3: stylistic weakness / repetition] — “too” is repeated in neighbouring sentences (“too perfect”, “too clean”). The house looked unusually tidy / Everything appeared strangely neat.
Suddenly, Maya heard the piano music [k4: wrong article] piano music / the sound of a piano coming from the living room.
As she entered the living room, she saw [k3: stylistic repetition – repeated subject “she”. Use Participle construction for C1+ grammar] Entering the living room, Maya saw / As she stepped into the living room, Maya saw / On entering the living room, Maya saw a girl about her age was playing [k4: grammar – missing relative pronoun or negligence of Complex Object] her age who was playing the piano. a girl about her age playing the piano (Complex Object)
“Who are you?” Maya asked.
“I’m Sofia. You must be Maya. Your grandmother taught me piano [k3: lexical collocation] the piano for five years.
When I heard she died [k4: tense sequence — earlier past event. In spoken English and informal narrative, speakers sometimes use Past Simple instead of Past Perfect when the order of events is obvious. Your version is borderline acceptable, but for contest-level writing the Past Perfect is stylistically better and safer] had died, I couldn’t let her garden die too. I’ve been coming every week to take care of things.” When I heard she had died, I couldn’t let her garden die as well / I couldn't bear the thought of her garden falling into ruin./ When I heard that she had passed away, I couldn’t let her garden die as well.
“Thank you. You play the piano very beautifully [k3: stylistic appropriateness – unnatural collocation] beautifully You play beautifully / You play the piano wonderfully / You play really well.
My grandmother wanted me to play the piano too. I couldn’t do it. I disappointed her.”
“No,” Sofia patted the chair next to her. “Sit down. Let me show you something simple.”
For an hour, Sofia taught Maya a song that Maya’s grandmother loved. [k3: tautology] — “Maya’s grandmother” repeated in the same sentence. a song that her grandmother loved.
Maya almost gave up, but finally she played it through.
Her eyes filled with tears. She had done it, ____ [k4: incomplete clause — missing subject and verb. “Too late for Grandma to hear” can exist as literary ellipsis.But in contest ESL writing, “it was too late” is the safer and clearer construction]but it was too late for Grandma to hear .
Sofia praised her. [k3: stylistic weakness] — very short sentence with limited narrative value. Sofia smiled and praised her / Sofia nodded approvingly.
Only later did she realize that the decision she had made that afternoon would shape the rest of her life. [k1: task achievement problem] — The story does not explain HOW the decision changed Maya’s life and what decision she made. //Inspired, Maya went as far as to apply to a music college and later became a respected concert pianist, often performing the pieces her grandmother had written. Only later did she realize that the decision she had made that afternoon would shape the rest of her life.
Final score
| Criterion | Score |
|---|---|
| Task achievement |
1* / 7 The story does not explain HOW the decision changed Maya’s life and what decision she made |
| Organization | 3 / 4
There is no narrative bridge explaining the life-changing decision. This creates an abrupt jump between the action and the conclusion. In narrative assessment this counts as a logical gap in development. |
| Lexis | 2 / 3 |
| Grammar | 2 / 3 |
| Spelling / punctuation | 2 / 3 |
Total: 10 / 20
Assessment criteria
| БАЛЛЫ | РЕШЕНИЕ КОММУНИКАТИВНОЙ ЗАДАЧИ (максимум 7 баллов) |
ОРГАНИЗАЦИЯ ТЕКСТА (максимум 4 балла) |
ЯЗЫКОВОЕ ОФОРМЛЕНИЕ (максимум 9 баллов) | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Лексика макс. 3 |
Грамматика макс. 3 |
Орфография и пунктуация макс. 3 |
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| 7 | Коммуникативная задача полностью выполнена: содержание отражает все аспекты, указанные в задании. 📄 Объём работы либо соответствует заданному, либо отклоняется не более чем на 10% (225–330 слов). |
4 балла (3 пункта организации) Работа не имеет ошибок с точки зрения организации. |
3 балла Участник демонстрирует богатый лексический запас, точный выбор слов и владение лексической сочетаемостью. Работа не имеет ошибок с точки зрения использования лексики. |
3 балла Участник демонстрирует грамотное и уместное употребление грамматических структур. Работа не имеет грамматических ошибок. |
3 балла Участник демонстрирует уверенное владение навыками орфографии и пунктуации. Работа не имеет ошибок с точки зрения орфографии и пунктуации. |
| 3–1 | ⚠️ Требования по одному или нескольким пунктам данного критерия в работе не выполнены (есть ошибки). | 2 балла (по организации) (отдельно оценивается, см. графы языкового оформления) |
2 балла Участник демонстрирует лексический запас, достаточный для раскрытия темы, точный выбор слов и владение лексической сочетаемостью. В работе имеются 1–2 лексические ошибки. |
2 балла Участник демонстрирует грамотное и уместное употребление грамматических структур. В работе имеются 1–2 грамматические ошибки. |
2 балла В тексте присутствуют орфографические И/ИЛИ пунктуационные ошибки (1–2 в сумме). |
| — | 1 балл Участник демонстрирует лексический запас, необходимый для раскрытия темы. В работе имеются 3–4 лексические ошибки. |
1 балл В работе имеются 3–4 грамматические ошибки. |
1 балл В тексте присутствуют орфографические И/ИЛИ пунктуационные ошибки (3–4 в сумме). |
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| 0 | ❌ Не выполнена коммуникативная задача (отсутствуют 7 аспектов, формат написанного не соответствует заданию). И/ИЛИ объём письменного текста менее 225 слов. И/ИЛИ более 30% ответа имеет непродуктивный характер. |
0 баллов (организация) (или не выполнены требования по трём пунктам) |
0 баллов Участник демонстрирует крайне ограниченный словарный запас. Или: имеются многочисленные ошибки (5 и более) в употреблении лексики. |
0 баллов В тексте присутствуют многочисленные грамматические ошибки (5 и более). |
0 баллов В тексте присутствуют многочисленные орфографические И/ИЛИ пунктуационные ошибки (5 и более в сумме). |
📌 При оценке 0 по критерию «Решение коммуникативной задачи» итог = 0 баллов за всё задание.
🔍 Если более 30% ответа имеет непродуктивный характер (текстуально совпадает с опубликованным источником или источником в сети Интернет) — 0 баллов по критерию РКЗ, а следовательно и за всё задание.
📏 Объём работы: допустимый коридор 225–330 слов (отклонение не более 10% от заданного). Меньше 225 слов → РКЗ 0 баллов.
⚖️ Максимум за лексику, грамматику, пунктуацию — по 3 балла каждый аспект (суммарно 9). Организация текста — до 4 баллов. Решение коммуникативной задачи — до 7 баллов. ИТОГО: 20 баллов.
⭐ *В работе, оцениваемой на 7 баллов по РКЗ, должны быть отражены все аспекты задания; лексика и грамматика без ошибок (допускаются 1-2 ошибки только на оценку 2/1, но не на высший балл).
Essay on the Job of a Smith
Work as a smith is debatable [k3: inaccurate word choice] a debatable occupation. / Working as a smith is a matter open to debate. We [k1: impersonality vs involvement] The advantages and disadvantages must be carefully considered before deciding [k2: incomplete logical reference] before deciding whether to pursue this career.
On the one hand, this job is considered to be rewarding, but it comes with its own challenges. You'll [k1: impersonality vs involvement – personal pronoun + no short forms in formal writing!] One will be highly respected and get [k4: wrong verb form] receive preferential treatment.//In this profession, a person is highly respected and often receives preferential treatment.
Also, youk3: repetition+k1: impersonality vs involvement – in this type of writing you must not show your personal involvement!] such a specialist will be able to bring home bacon [k1: style/register-use more formal or neutral style + k4: wrong article] earn a good living. / In addition, the profession may provide a stable income.
The success you'll [k1: no short forms in formal writing! + k1: impersonality vs involvement – in this type of writing you must not show your personal involvement!] one will achieve will be hard-earned but fulfilling.
On the other hand, the job demands lots of physical endurance.
You [k1: impersonality vs involvement – direct address is inappropriate in an academic essay+k2:tautology] A smith will have to toil all day. //The work requires toiling all day.
You [k1: impersonality vs involvement – in this type of writing you must not show your personal involvement!+ k3: tautology] The person must consider the long-term effects on your [k1: impersonality vs involvement – in this type of writing you must not show your personal involvement!] their health and lifestyle.//The long-term effects on health and lifestyle must also be considered.
In conclusion, it's [k1: no short forms in formal writing!] it is a double-edged sword: while it offers stability, it also requires constant physical effort, but it worth [k4: wrong verb form] it is worth the success you'll [k1: no short forms in formal writing! + k1: impersonality vs involvement – in this type of writing you must not show your personal involvement!] one will achieve.
[k2: incorrect linking - In your conclusion, while and but are used together in a way that weakens the logic of the sentence.] In conclusion, it is a double-edged sword: while offering stability, it also requires constant physical effort, yet the rewards may justify that effort.
Class System in the US_essay
3.4 I partly agree [k1: impersonality vs involvement – in this type of writing, the argument should be presented more objectively] There is some truth in the claim that the class system in the U.S. is more rigid than it appears. The claim that the class system in the U.S. is more rigid than it appears is partly convincing. Although American society is often believed to offer equal opportunities to everyone, social class may still shape people’s life chances to a considerable extent.
To begin with, the text suggests that moving up the social ladder is harder than many people think. One reason for this is that the family you [k1: impersonality vs involvement – direct address should be avoided in this type of essay] a person are [k4: wrong subject-word agreement] is born into is the best way to predict how rich you [k1: impersonality vs involvement – avoid direct address] they will become later. One reason for this is that the family a person is born into is often the strongest predictor of their future wealth. This idea is illustrated by the fact that most people on the Forbes 400 list got their money from their families, not from their own work. This idea is supported by the fact that most people on the Forbes 400 list inherited their wealth rather than earning it independently. Therefore, a person’s background may influence their future more strongly than it seems at first glance.
Another reason why I support this view [k1: impersonality vs involvement – avoid overt personal alignment in an academic essay] this view appears convincing is that getting a good education often depends on how much money your family has. A further argument in support of this view is that access to a good education often depends on family income. For example, rich kids [k1: style/register-use more formal or neutral style] children from wealthy families can go to expensive private schools and top universities, while poor kids [k1: style/register-use more formal or neutral style] children from low-income families often go to bad [k1: style/register-use more formal or neutral style] underfunded public schools with less help. For example, children from wealthy families can afford elite schools and universities, whereas those from low-income backgrounds often attend underfunded public schools with fewer educational resources. This shows that class divisions may remain significant even in a society that values personal success and individual effort.
In conclusion, while the American class system is not completely closed, it is more rigid than popular myths suggest. Both family wealth and unfair access to good education [k3: slightly awkward phrasing] unequal access to quality education create walls that are hard to break through. In conclusion, although the American class system is not entirely closed, it is more rigid than popular myths suggest, as both inherited wealth and unequal access to quality education create barriers that are difficult to overcome.
Dialogue
A: This is no mere entertainment. The play was chosen in order to stir the Londoners and make them see that a ruler may be challenged when he fails his people.
B: You surely realise what consequences may follow[k3: slightly awkward collocation]what the consequences may be / what consequences may arise. The matter is far more dangerous than it appears. If the deposition scene is performed, the Queen's ministers may see it as a direct attack on Elizabeth herself.
A: That is precisely what makes the performance so powerful. Public opinion can be stirred by scenes such as this. The audience might watch Richard fall and begin to question whether her Majesty should stay on the throne. Theatre can change how people think.
B: But the authorities may not overlook such a performance. The play was usually performed without the deposition scene for good reason. If we show it now, the actors could be arrested and the organisers may end up being questioned as traitors. One false step may cost us dearly.
A: Yet if nothing is done, Essex will stand alone. The play was arranged so as to influence the crowd before the rebellion begins. Even though it is only a play, its message is clear that[k4: wrong structure after clear]: a ruler who governs badly can be replaced. Even though it is only a play, its message is unmistakable: a ruler who governs badly can be replaced. / Though it is merely a play, it conveys a clear message — a ruler who governs badly may be removed.
B: I understand your hope, but the risk can hardly be overstated. If Elizabeth's spies hear of this the company could be punished[k5: punctuation — a comma is needed after the subordinate clause], the company could be punished and the rebellion itself may be crushed before it truly starts. The performance may be interpreted as a political gesture and we will pay the price.